Holiday Abyss


I’m slowly climbing out of the 2017 Holiday Abyss. Usually, I love the holidays. I bring Christmas in every room of my house, a wreath here, candles there, a lighted Santa outside along with colorful lights strung along my shrubs in front, lighted garlands gracing my breezeway and my living room fireplace, my Nativity set, handmade by granddaughter Jasmine when she was about 11 and 12, arranged on my hearth…. My tree, pretend, of course, only about 5 ft. tall, but brightly lighted and filled with meaningful ornaments from all over the U. S. and some from Europe, and some handmade by my kids, grandkids and great-grandkids, and I’ve always loved looking at it. Each year I would often turn off all other lighting and just sit with the soft colored glow from the tree; I’d look around my room and enjoy the warmth and pleasure and love-filled ambiance of it all. It was truly a feeling of Christmas joy and love.

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But not this year. Just the tree and Nativity set were up and my table arranged in Christmas motif. No other decorations, no cards sent out, no entertaining. In hindsight, I’ve analyzed “the Abyss” as a complete, thorough sense of loss. Unreasonably, I have felt a deep sense of loss as my youngest son closed down everything here and he and his wife moved to Florida. This move has been years in the making, and I have been informed all the way through. But I think what their move did was to bring all my other losses (and I’ve had many) to bear and there I was, “celebrating” the holidays buried in loss.

On top of my son and daughter-in-law’s moving, their kids made arrangements to spend Christmas time with other relatives out of state. So, although I had very special family with me on Christmas Eve, our number was just six, down from our usual sixteen. And although, that evening was beautiful and fun and special, I felt… a loss.

Fast forward to last Friday evening. Grand Jess (and James) picked me up to go to Jason’s and Jenna’s horse farm in Macedon, where we shared a delicious meal and opened our gifts, all while having Facetime with my “missing” son and daughter-in-law. And it’s the weirdest feeling:  the limb that was missing from my holiday family tree was reconnected! I feel whole again, out of the Abyss, up on a level playing ground. And it is such a good feeling!

Now I have to catch up on all those neglected duties:  paying taxes, filing receipts and other documents, updating my Excel writing/sales spreadsheet. And my writing.

So I’m beginning a new year in my life (I was born on January first) and the New Year of 2018… well, a little behind. But I feel complete again, up to the task, and filled with the energy that comes with having the love of family and good friends.

Yep. I can do this.

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